Here is my Letter to the Tobacco Industry; One of Satan's Most Misunderstood Minions.

This was mailed on January 13, 2010. If I receive any reply it will be posted at the bottom of this page.

Japan Tobacco International S.A.
Media Relations
1, Rue de la Gabelle
1211 Geneva 26
Switzerland

Dear Media Relations,

Should you neglect to read this letter in its entirety I promise that you will be flushing the publicity opportunity of a lifetime straight down the toilet. The government is constantly scheming to cripple the tobacco industry but together we can turn things around. Here is my story and proposition:

On April 22, 2009 at the age of 28 I deliberately took up smoking. I was working as a laborer in a disaster restoration company and was assigned to a particularly miserable sewer backup. I was required to remove 6 inches of standing human feces from the basement of a 3000sqft home in the height of summer albeit with ungloved hands and without personal protective equipment. For obvious reasons I became disenchanted with my work circumstances. At break one of my co-workers must have noticed the look of absolute resignation in my eyes, not unlike that of a new arrival to Dachau in the 1940's, and thoughtfully offered me a cigarette from his Export A package. To be quite honest I would have normally declined as at the time I saw smoking as a horrible and unrelenting vice due to the indoctrination forced on me by my government. On this day, however, my wanting to end my suffering as soon as possible by stepping out in front of the next approaching bus led me to accept the tiny cylindrical life preserver. I fondled the little cigarette briefly before lighting it. As I slowly inhaled, the grey rapture trickling into my lungs, instantly I understood the enduring love affair the human race has with tobacco. Immediately my jangled nerves were soothed. My mood and attitude completely turned around. Until that instant I had never experienced what those flexible fools in their Lulu Lemon linens describe as Zen. It was delightful. I could not wait for my next respite so that I could enjoy another cigarette. I was "hooked", but not in the negative connation of the term that non-smokers infer. I truly enjoyed smoking cigarettes, so much so that in a few short weeks I was consuming a pack a day and loving every minute of it. Smoking had changed my life for the better.

It is with a heavy heart however that I report I was forced to quit in November, only 7 short months after I began. My wife was nagging the everlasting shit out of me as the habit was costing us about $10.00/day. It was a hard decision to make but in the end a constantly nattering woman proved to be a torturous pain that not even smoking could neutralize. Quitting smoking was actually very easy contrary to what the government and doctors will have us believe. In a matter of 3 days I went from a pack a day to nothing. People that "can't" quit or say that smoking is "addictive" are just weak. If these same people weren't "addicted" to smoking then it would probably be something else like crystal meth or tranny webcam whores. I haven't had a cigarette in over 2 months now and I have no cravings. I can stand around while other people smoke and I don't feel an uncontrollable urge to light up. I am, however, envious. I miss smoking and the freedom it represents. Because of this I would like to purpose a deal.

If I don't have to pay for cigarettes my wife will have no grounds for argument against the habit. If JTI provides me with 1 package of Export A cigarettes a day (I tried other brands of cigarettes but their aftertaste was not unlike licking the undergarments of homeless people) I will stay healthy and in shape. I can be your poster boy and spokesperson, like that guy from subway except that I don't look like a compulsive masturbating child pornography enthusiast. I know tobacco companies are no longer permitted to advertise in a traditional manner, which is absolute fascist bullshit. We can get around this with publicity stunts. I would be willing to meet with some of your executives to brainstorm and discuss a great idea I already have for one: I will set myself on fire with one of your cigarettes and then jump off a bridge into a river and swim safely to shore. As two Swedish bikini models who 'happen' to be passing by towel me off, one of them can offer me a smoke which I will eagerly accept. Of course we will have to lure the media there with some phony story about charity or saving animals but by the time they figure out what is really going on it will be too late. I will also pledge to preach the many benefits of smoking to anyone who will listen. Fuck the government and their bullshit anti-smoking agenda.

Why is there this pressing need to crackdown on harmless tobacco? If smoking is so bad for you then why is it that killing ourselves with sugar, caffeine and fat is no big deal? According to the cover of January 2010's Readers Digest Magazine, a publication I would never buy, obesity is now killing more people than starvation globally. Society accepts that 10 year olds can eat themselves into a large oval shaped early grave but if they light up a smoke and actually increase their metabolism or mental alertness then that's where we draw the line. And don't get me started on energy drinks. I tried a RedBull once and 5 minutes after consuming it I felt as if my heart was going to fucking explode! I had the shakes for hours, something a cigarette has never caused. It's crazy that kids can buy that poison anywhere and without the outrageous government taxes that tobacco products are subject to. And what do you think people would say if Travis Rice or Ryan Sheckler had an ExportA logo on their toque/hat instead of Red Bull? They'd shit their pants! How ludicrous is it that it is acceptable for athletes to promote that venom but not something as innocent as a cigarette? I bet cigarette smoke is better for you than that noxious concoction of concentrated caffeine, sugar and God knows what else. We need to act quickly to get the truth about smoking out to the public, most importantly the kids. I am the man for this job; I was born to take up this fight. Like Braveheart and the Scottish, ours could be a partnership of the kind that legends are made of.

Thank you for taking the time to read this letter. I hope that you seriously consider this partnership. Like Commodus said to Maximus in Gladiator: "Take my hand, I offer it only once."

Yours Truly,

Jamie Joyride

P.S. Due to the negative stigma that government and medical associations have branded smokers with, I feel the need to express that I am not what society considers a typical cigarette smoker. I'm not just some toothless loser from Arkansas, I fancy myself as an intelligent individual with a technical school education in engineering to back up the claim. When I began smoking I knew of its alleged addictiveness and supposed adverse health effects, but after smoking a pack a day for months on end I can honestly claim that the many benefits of smoking far outweigh any risk. I have enclosed a photo for reference. Please excuse the assless chaps, it was hot that day.